Word Chipper's Weblog

Silly question

wordchipper — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 16:46:42 +0000

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid b*tch…why else would I buy dog food??

One Upmanship

wordchipper — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:11:17 +0000

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when he turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know, ” said the congressman. “How about global warming or universal health care,” and he smiles smugly.

“OK” she said. “Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pelets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a hose produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really fell qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don’t know shit?”

FAA, DHS, TSA New Safety procedures proposal.

wordchipper — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 21:46:02 +0000

Screen operations:
1. All passengers will be required to show passport and boarding pass.
2. All passengers will be required to enter a changing booth to:
  1. Remove all personal clothing, outer and underwear, and pass through a portal in booth for inspection.
  2. Put on a set of single-use, disposable, paper underwear and clothing.
  3. Be ‘sniffed’ while in booth for detection of exposure and/or contact with dangerous substances.
  4. Personal clothes will inspected and sealed in a mylar rip-proof bag and return to the passenger when exiting booth.
3. All passengers will be provided with a badge-boarding pass holder to wear.
4. Allowed carry on medications will be placed in sealed bag and attached to the id holder around there neck.
5. All other carryons will be sealed in mylar and returned to the passenger as leaving the screening area.
Gate operations will differ:
1. All passengers will be seated, in the terminal, on a large platform with airline seats according to boarding pass instructions.
2. Mylar sealed carry-on bags, will be placed in containers directly under each individual’s seat, access by lifting the seat. Eliminating the need for overhead storage areas on the airplane.
3. Before boarding, safety instructions will be given to passengers while in these seats.
4. Seating will be closed 10 minutes before take-off. Late passengers will be subject turned away and will have to re-book flights.
Flight operations:
1. Arriving flights must first open their nose, and the internal seating sled will be rolled out into an awaiting area in the terminal. Passengers will remain seated until released by ground staff.
2. The aircraft flight deck is now sealed and self contained. During flight, there is no possible access to or from the cockpit.
3. During boarding, the entire seating sled will be moved into the aircraft, via an opened nose, as large cargo operations.
4. During flight:
  1. Cabin lights will be extinguished.
  2. Elevator music mixed with npr talk radio will be broadcast during the entire flight.
  3. A anti-stress aromatherapy fragrance, or equivalent, will be dispersed throughout the passenger area during flight to reduce anxiety.
  4. Passengers requesting restroom access will need to contact a flight attendant for a numbered ticket and be released from their seat when a restroom is available. eliminating restroom lines in the aisles yet preserving first-come, first-serve fairness for all.
  5. Due to increased danger due to turbulence, all passengers will remain in their seat, with a secured lapbelt until released by the flight attendant for restroom access or ground staff after arrival.
  6. No coffee, or caffeinated beverages shall served any longer. Each seat arm, will be equipped with a ‘camel-back’ type drinking straw and new disposable bite-valve for individual use and disposable after landing.
  7. No personal electronic equipment will be allowed during flights.
5. Checked baggage will be loaded into a unmanned glider which will be towed by the passenger aircraft to its destination. This reduces the risk of loss of life should any explosive device is stored in a check bag and detonate during flight.

Be careful, should they really consider this, we might find ourselves being provided with diapers and ‘put-to-sleep’ during the flight with no access to the bathrooms. I can only imagine a flight with 100+ passengers all dressed in the same orange, prison-esque, outfits.

Timmy and Lassie (circa 2009) continued…

wordchipper — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 16:12:07 +0000

lassie
OMG! #timmy fell in a well. lmao! WTF? who can’t stand next to a well and not fall in. about 15 minutes hours ago from mobile

Timmy and Lassie (circa 2009)

wordchipper — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 00:35:33 +0000

What’s that Lassie? Timmy’s smoking pot behind the barn?

What girl? What is it Lassie? Timmy’s snuck a hooker into his room?

What is it Timmy? Lassie fell down the well?

Hurry Lassie! Show me where Timmy is! What… Timmy is stuck in the bathroom and won’t open the door? Timmy, what’s wrong ? Jeez mom, can’t a guy jerk-off in private?

My Resume

wordchipper — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 18:35:16 +0000

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it – mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn’t cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Love those Church Bulletins..

wordchipper — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 21:27:08 +0000

Definitely can see the kneed for propper grammer and speling!

Love those Church Bulletins..

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
————————–
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
————————–
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
————————–
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
————————–
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
————————–
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
————————–
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
————————–
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
————————–
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
————————–
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
————————–
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
————————–
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice
————————–
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
————————–
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
————————–
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
————————–
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
————————–
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
————————–
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
————————–
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————–
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
————————–
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
————————–
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
————————-
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
————————–
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
————————–
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.
– ————————
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.

God created the cat…

wordchipper — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 16:05:36 +0000

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third, God created all the animals of the
earth to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that
man could labor for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so
that the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science
to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had
to scoop the litterbox.

Inventor

wordchipper — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 22:31:48 +0000

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd.

Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said “Dad look what I made.” So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said “I only asked for a convertable.”

The dad replied “the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother.”

Women’s rights

wordchipper — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 21:13:54 +0000